Feeling into (and out of)
white gatekeeping
Annie Ferguson (they/she)
Listen to the Introduction:
Listen to the Meditation:
I have spent the past few years studying white people who support racial equity, looking at where difficult emotions come up and how they cause us to get stuck, do less or leave the movement. In addition, I have been studying how some white anti-racists manage those challenging emotions in order to stay involved in organizing work in healthy, productive ways. The goal of my research is two-fold:
to reduce the harm caused by white people to activists of color and the movement, and
to respond to movement calls that ask white people to ‘go get our people,’ figuring out how to recruit more white people into the anti-racist movement – and keep them engaged.
My research (61 interviews and 17 months of activist ethnography, where I observed an organization focused on engaging white people and participated in that organization as an active member through that time) demonstrates that emotions are a major challenge to both of those goals. While lots of different emotions came up – probably every emotion imaginable! – the emotion that was most commonly mentioned as limiting white anti-racist action was fear. Specifically, the fear of making a mistake that resulted in harsh judgment or criticism and being removed from the community.
Before you roll your eyes! This fear comes directly from a phenomenon that I imagine many of us will recognize, that I call white gatekeeping: White people having extreme and perfectionist standards for themselves and other white people. In other words, many of us think our harsh judgment of other white people is a strategy to:
‘protect’ people of color or multi-racial movement spaces (although whether we can or should seek to ‘protect’ people or spaces is worth further examination!), or
show up as the best possible anti-racist or even, a Good White Person.
Yet, in reality, our judgments and harsh critique are causing real harm to ourselves, to other white people, and to the movement’s progress. White movement cultures that encourage perfectionism and harshly judging ourselves and other white people make us so scared of making a mistake that we wind up stepping back entirely, doing less or showing up in ways that are really hampered by that fear — awkward, uncomfortable and struggling to form genuine connections.
The people I interviewed also talked about how the criticism and the fear of making mistakes are coming from specific characteristics of internalized racial superiority: binary thinking, superiority/inferiority, competition, individualism, perfectionism and punishing/carceral thinking. I know that many of us have been hearing more and more from healing justice and transformative justice movements, as well as others in the anti-racist space, that we need to approach each other with care and an eye towards mutual aid. And yet! Many white anti-racists continue to act like white people are far more deserving of their critique than their care.
My research highlights that dismantling these specific forms of internalized racial superiority is critical to our ability to be more effective in our own anti-racist organizing, in recruiting more white people to the movement and in transitioning from an individualizing, punishing mindset to a collaborative one that can truly work towards mutual liberation. We can have a critical analysis and hold people to a high standard… with love.
I have developed this meditation because perhaps it isn’t enough to know we should engage differently with other white people. Perhaps we need practice feeling into the judgment, superiority and perfectionism, so that we can start to recognize the somatic signs (aka body sensations) that pop up. The meditation also offers practice of a different path, bringing us to emotional states where we can feel the somatic difference in taking a more collectivized, caring mindset.
More on the meditation:
We are going to go through a few different moments or emotional experiences together. Some of these might feel uncomfortable. I’m going to ask you to feel into the corners of things that don’t feel good, as well as things that do feel good, so that we can start to differentiate and discern between feelings in the body. I welcome you to really try to put yourself into the moments and feelings I describe so you can attune to how and where each moment shows up in your body. That attunement will help us pick up on judgment more quickly and shift it more quickly.
I’m going to share an example that might trigger judgment, but if you find your mind going in a different direction or remembering a past mistake you’ve made and you start feeling shame and prickly instead, I invite you to try to stay with us. We’ve all been there. But for the purpose of this meditation, stay with us.
I have never done this before! So my thanks for your grace, in advance, through any weird noises or errors I might make, and I enthusiastically welcome any feedback you might have.
This research and meditation are grounded in the work of so many people who fight to eradicate oppression and build a new world, including all of my research participants and thought partners, as well as Frantz Fanon, James Baldwin, Toni Morrison, bell hooks, Deborah Vargas, Laura Aguilar, Frank Wilderson, Bayo Akomolafe, Prentiss Hemphill, adrienne maree brown, Ruth Frankenberg, Shelly Tochluk, Resmaa Menakem, and truly, a thousand others. The background music on the meditation comes from Kevin MacLeod who offers the track under Creative Commons licensing on incompetech.com.
Ultimately, I hope this meditation supports white people in enhancing and further humanizing our anti-racist work.
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Hello. Thank you for joining me in this meditation, created for white antiracists to learn to notice the felt experience of harshly judging other white people, as well as the felt experience of shifting in those moments towards care, grace, and accountability. I welcome you to really try to put yourself into the moments and feelings I describe.. so you can attune to how and where each moment shows up in your body.
Feel free to lower your eyes or close them.
And let’s take a couple of deep breaths to center together in this space and in this moment.
On your out breaths, feel free to make some noise, shake your body, ground here and release whatever tensions you’re carrying.
Breathe in… and breathe out.
And again, breathe in… and breathe out.
One last breath, breathe in… and breathe out.
Beautiful. Thank you.
Let’s start… with the feeling of judging other white people who support antiracism.
I invite you to join me in this scenario…
We are at an after-work meeting of a local antiracist collective led by people of color.
There are about 20 people here, pretty good turnout for us, and the group has a lot of racial, gender, and class diversity.
We’re sitting in a circle of chairs in a room that a nonprofit lets us use after hours. Can you see this space? And this group?
We’ve started having a conversation about what we’re going to do to fight racism in the upcoming year.
We’re talking strategy, we’re talking tactics.
One of the other white people in the room, Olivia, is pretty new to antiracism. She’s been learning more over the past few years, but she’s just started coming to meetings in the last couple of months.
As you’re listening to different people share their thoughts and ideas, you start to notice that Olivia seems a bit upset. She looks like she’s thinking about saying something but she also looks really fretful and anxious. She doesn’t look like she’s about to cry, but she looks like she’s on her way in that direction.
Let’s pause here – what’s happening in your body already? Check in with your jaw. Is it clenched? Is there tightness elsewhere in your body?
Maybe, you’re feeling second hand anxiety, dreading what’s about to come out of Olivia’s mouth. Oh my gosh, Olivia. Whatever is going on, just don’t do it. Don’t do it. Ughhhh.
Someone else has noticed her state and asks, “Olivia, is there something you want to say?”
What’s happening in your body? Some white people, scared to witness another white person’s mistake, might feel an unspoken dread, a felt, ohno ohno ohno.
Olivia starts talking about how scared she is for the changes that are likely to be ahead of us. Her voice is wobbly. At first, some people are nodding. Other people look a bit annoyed. But Olivia keeps going, about women’s rights and abortion rights and the fears that keep her up at night. She finally slows down and someone else starts talking, but a few minutes later, Olivia pipes in again, about Roe v Wade and the stacked Supreme Court. More people are starting to look annoyed.
What is coming up for you?... And where do you feel that in your body?
Let’s touch some corners of this that you might be experiencing.
Maybe, you are rolling your eyes. Thinking wow, she is such an idiot! So embarrassing!
Notice the sharpened blade of that. The harshness of that critique.
Maybe.. there’s also a part of you that’s patting yourself on the back a little? Maybe not verbalizing it in your head, but a little superiority over Olivia? A packet of pride somewhere in your system, rolling your eyes and thinking, “I would never…”
Where do you feel superiority in your body? Sometimes I am so in my head, I don’t feel it in my body at all. But when you feel into that phrase, “Oh my gosh, I would never…” or even, looking around the room, “I hope people of color notice that, I would never…” Where is that? A kind of icky feeling pride.
Where do you feel rigid? Perfectionist? Stories about “that’s not the capital-R Right way to do antiracism.” Olivia is not being perfect. Sometimes when I feel perfectionism coming in, I feel tension in my chest or across my upper back. Maybe there’s anger or resentment. She’s not following the rules!
Where do you feel it in your body?
Maybe your second hand anxiety has blossomed into second hand embarrassment, maybe spread into this feeling of Oh my gosh. White people suuuuck. Why do white people have to suck??
Cringing. Dread. Is she about to make it worse?
Sometimes I feel it in my throat or in a tight ball in my stomach. Where are those feelings of mutual embarrassment showing up in your body?
Sometimes, that embarrassment has a panicky edge to it. Maybe a fear that, as a white person in the room, I’m going to be associated with Olivia.
Or worse, that I’m going to make a mistake sometime and everyone is going to be feeling like this about me. Perhaps not consciously, but if there’s a sense of that panic and fear, where is that landing?
Maybe it becomes… I’m distancing myself from her. I don’t want to be connected to her. I want to prove I’m better at this. I want to yell at her. I want to tell her, “Maybe this isn’t the right space for you.” “You need to go do more work before you can come back here.”
Maybe because she is taking up too much space and it’s making me feel uncomfortable, or maybe… because I think that will prove to the people of color in the room that I’m ‘one of the Good ones.’
Where is all of this in your body? …
The judgment and perfectionism.. superiority, competition, and pride.. the individualism and distancing.. wanting to prove I’m good.. wanting to cut Olivia out. All white supremacist values that separate us and reinforce superiority and difference.
What is your felt experience of this moment? I want you to try to imprint in your mind where this lives in your body so you can notice it next time. … … …
Okay, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out. Ugh, those feelings can be so uncomfortable. If it feels good, put your hand on your heart and say, thank you for going on that journey with me.
I want us to imagine encountering that situation differently.
First, we’re going to center ourselves differently, in a few grounding beliefs. Feel into these with me.
I believe… the antiracist movement has asked me to work on getting more white people involved in doing effective antiracist action.
I know that white people can cause all different kinds of harm for activists of color and for movements as a whole.
And I also know that we will ALL always be making mistakes. I know lifelong white antiracist activists in their 60s and 70s – still making mistakes. Right?
I want you to imagine that you are part of a collective effort of white people holding and caring for and giving grace to white people.
This collective has shared antiracist values that still expect a high standard of participation and an attention to reducing harm and taking effective action.
AND we have committed to holding each other accountable with LOVE instead of harsh criticism when we screw up.
Because we KNOW that harsh criticism and judgment turn people away and it turns us away from ourselves too.
And we know that we can have a critical analysis and hold white people with love.
Okay. Are we grounded in those? Good.
Now, let’s come back to that meeting and Olivia.
Feel that moment again when you started noticing her body language… When she started talking.
Are your eyes threatening to roll again? Body tensing up?
Notice that. Say I want to do something different right now.
And hold Olivia in your heart. Maybe you put your hand on your heart or even just on your arm or on your belly.
In your heart, say to her, “Friend. I can feel your distress and your fear. I hear you.
And what you’re doing right now is not helping us build a collective space for our community.
And I’ve been there too. I’ve made mistakes before.
I know you might be embarrassed right now. I’ve been embarrassed too. I feel you. It’s going to be okay.
We can talk through ways for you to repair any harm you’ve just caused. Here are some things that have worked for me in the past.”
Saying that to Olivia, where are you in your body right now?
Are there parts of your body that feel soft? Different or similar parts that feel tense?
If before, you could feel a tightness with perfectionism or a leaning away in trying to distance, or an eye-rolling in superiority…
Can you feel yourself leaning towards Olivia in this moment?
Can you feel yourself looking at her with empathy? With… I’ve been there. It’s going to be okay.
Sometimes, we might not be able to fix the mistakes we’ve made. Sometimes the harm is beyond repair.
And even in those painful moments, we will learn, we will grow, and we will do our damndest to do better next time.
Can you extend that knowing to Olivia? That grace?
Can you care for her and know that within this collective effort, you .. are welcomed in asking for care as well?
Where does that comfort lie in you?
Can you feel how this is a distinctly different relationship to power?
Instead of superiority and competition… there is empathy and connection.
Instead of perfectionism and Good people and Bad people… in your body there is authenticity and trust that you will be okay.
Rather than an individual, panicked about being Good, distancing yourself, cutting them out, and scrambling to figure out how to prove you’re one of the Good ones… Can you feel into yourself as part of a collective of mutual care?
Perhaps there is also … a remembering of moments when you have been Olivia and fearing that other people in the room were judging you that way. How would it have felt, if you were Olivia, to know that you could slip and we would catch you?
You’re not alone. You are with us. Protecting your ego isn’t necessary.
You are part of a complex ecology that is working towards mutual liberation and one of the best ways you can show up…
Is with love.
Feel into that. Where does that land?
As you’re ready, I invite you to wiggle your toes and your fingers. Move your body a little if it feels right to reground yourself wherever you are. Open your eyes.
I hope this meditation is a resource for you the next time you encounter a “white mistake” – from someone else or from yourself. We need all of us in this. I’m honored to be in this work with you.